push
:= 22 Oct 2008 12:41:00 EST
"i wanna push You around, well i will, well i will
i wanna push You down, well i will, well i will
i wanna take You for granted, i wanna take You for granted, yeah i will, i will" (Matchbox 20, 1997)
last time i used Whitesnake's prayer to express myself. today, i am using Matchbox 20's.
how is it that a few months away from the biggest day of my life, and my prayers are reduced to wanting to push You around? please don't be scandalize by these thoughts, however, harsh they may seem. in fact, i believe St. Peter echoed these words before i did. i mean, something's gotta give ... and, i'm a little angry.
no boby pushes You around. i know that. maybe i'm nervous? everything will change. everything has changed. again, back to St. Pete's words, "depart from me, for i am a sinful man, O Lord" (Lk 5:8). he was at a disbelief at what was taking place. sometimes i cannot believe this is happening to me. not that this is a bad thing. quite the opposite - how are you calling me to Your priesthood? what did i do to deserve this. in fact, i have done nothing. that is why i have a hard time understanding. You are always on my mind, yet i want to push You around? O Lord, be my rock of refuge. i trust in You. i believe, help my unbelief. i take consolations in St. Pete's words. though he asked You to leave him alone - You knew better. i may say this or that, act this way or that way, but You always know better. You are always present to me, even when i am lost in the darkness of my bellybutton. i cry, as Charlie Brown crys - not over the Red Sox losing, but because of my weakness, limits, etc. nonetheless, the victory belongs to You, and the service is mine. You didn't leave St. Pete alone, and i know You are never going to leave me either. You are with me on my journey. thanks, eh!
now, back to Reading week, and reading, writing, etc. - that is, things one does over reading week.
